back again.

Life throws all kinds of things and once in a while I manage to do something with it. And that achievement realizes not as an event but as a blip in the process; easy to miss unless one is really paying attention, and I am all for paying attention, when my whining doesn't get in the way.

I telecommute. Been doing that for close to four years now, and to be honest I never thought I would last this long. As a logical conclusion to a series of events, combined with a unexplainable attachment to a certain thread from the past, I began this process. I didn't think anything of it when it started nor paid any conscious attention as I went along; if I were to sit and take stock, at any given point I would have been busy swimming in one of these phases:

1. Ecstatic over the total control time and space -- no pop-ins, no spur of the moment meetings and no need to pay attention to the blinking chat session if I didn't want to. And of course, the travel = 10 steps = illegal amounts of pleasure.

2. Relentlessly fending off curiosity - There are questions, comments and advice from mostly well meaning people. "So you can take naps?" "Must be great to be able to watch your kid grow" “Can you run errands?” "Your career path must be stunted" "Are you doing data entry or are you a call center employee?" Very tough questions, I mostly try to brush them off (note: the ability to successfully brush off usually depends on how I am doing with respect to 1, 3 and 4).

3. Worrying about not having accomplished enough: The distinction between work time and the family time is a blur. As a result, I suffer from a condition that leaves me wringing my hands about not doing justice to either. Having written that down, I realize that the cause and effect I have drawn is a total sham. I don't think I'd be any different had I not been telecommuting. So scratch that: it is only because I am just made like that.

4. Trying really hard to make a difference and make my presence felt.

But it has been a constant through all these phases that I miss the social aspect of working in an office. Small children are not good OR reliable sources of water-cooler company. Case in point:

“So, what do you think of the latest enhancements asked for by X?”

“…”. “Have you seen my green back loader?”

See? We are not even in the same professional ball park. I know I know, choices, balance and what have you. I am not complaining, well at least not entirely. In fact I am now so used to this lifestyle that a bit of the regular "going to workplace" working style leaves me gasping for air. Nevertheless I do sigh with envy as I watch folks leave to "go to work" and I head out to my work desk, picking up Lego pieces on my way.

So yes, I do feel that I have made best of what I have but that feeling lasts only long enough before my overpowering sense of martyrdom takes over.